I have always swung back and forth between alienation and relatedness. As a child, I would run away from the beatings, from the obscene words, and always knew that if I could run far enough, then any leaf, any insect, any bird, any breeze could bring me to my true home. I knew I did not belong among people. Whatever they hated about me was a human thing; the nonhuman world has always loved me.
I can't remember when it was otherwise. But I have been emotionally crippled by this. There is nothing romantic about being young and angry, or even about turning that anger into art. I go through the motions of living in society, but never feel a part of it. When my family threw me away, every human on earth did likewise.
I am... me. No matter what I say or do, I'm still me. That 's what Satozuki told me once. The things I feel, the things I do... Being a vampire, Being a man, being betrayed by my mother... when all those things come together, they make up me. But none of these things taken separately. I'm just me.
I love that statement the "nonhuman world has always loved me." But I know what you mean about not feeling that you belong. It's going to be that way all the time. People just don't understand.
ReplyDeleteI like this passage and it is true you. But there are people who understand what you are going through because we've been there.
ReplyDeletewe all are unique in our own way, that's the way we was created, I love your blogs...as far as the betrayal we all will be judged one day....God created you in the image of him!!!
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